Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Cornell Big Red Edition: They are who we thought they were

Its amazing that the Big Red team not named Louisville is garnering so much attention - be it this site, national media or Farve4Ever removing his T. Will posters from his bedroom wall for Ryan Wittman FatHeads, it's all amazing. But as Demarcus Cousins so eloquently put it, ''We're here to play basketball. It's not a spelling bee."

Let's see what the Big Red spelling bee kids from Ithaca, NY have to offer:
Nickname: Big Red. So the weird thing is that Big Red is the nickname but they have a bear as their 'unofficial' mascot. Western Kentucky has Big Red as their mascot and a country hick as their nickname. Quite unoriginal Cornell and very flamboyant for both.

Hometown: Ithaca, NY. The horrible 2000 movie, Road Trip, was based on mixture of Ithaca College and Cornell, both located in Ithaca. But a notable quote came from the movie when DJ Qualls made sweet, sweet love and 'skinned a Cheetah' while attending the 'Fictitious Cornell'. Real students make 'Fictitious love' every night after realizing it's the only way they'll be able to procreate before they receive their Doctorate - and pay for love.

Alumni to hate Cornell: This Alumni is a resident of Ithaca and graduate. Cornell claims fame to the Republican pundit production known as Ann Coulter. This just goes to show that I can hate Cornell and not feel bad.

Alumni to love Cornell: Adolph Coors, the man that gave everyone knowledge of what the Love Train is and Louisville, KY college kids reason to go to Phoenix Hill Tavern. ($.75 Coors Light on Wednesday!). No one names their kid Adolph anymore, what a shame. It was a perfectly good name until some no-talent-ass-clown had to go and ruin it.

Student Body: They hate themselves like I hate Tennessee. After googling "reasons to hate Cornell"... I have come to the conclusion that an English teacher assigning the persuasive speech on "Why to hate Cornell and your life." It's either that or my pathetic life looks good compared to those kids, my God.

Read this little excerpt from college confidential a Cornell message I found:

I am a freshman at Cornell University and to be honest, it
sucks... I don't have any friends... I am always crying... I refuse to sacrifice four
years of my happiness for the so called Ivy league.

or this one to a Cornell Dear Abby of sorts at seems to have a Eminem "Stan" sort of feeling:

I hate you,I hate all my professors, I hate Cornell, I hate my family, I hate being alive, the only reason I won't commit suicide is I promised about ten billion people I wouldn't...Every time i get mad about it I wind up in the overnight unit...I hate everything. I hate school... I hate people who don't answer my letters after I write three of them. Isn't that at least as important as the 200 letters from people with love problems that you've answered since I wrote in October????? Twenty-two years and still no one listens to me unless I pay them $70 an hour!!!! God I hate this planet!!!!

Abby's response:

Your fury at lack of response to your letters is justified, and I owe you a heartfelt apology. I answered your original two letters months ago, but by an unfortunate glitch they slipped through the cracks on the way to posting. Your third letter alerted me to the fact and I retrieved them, and was on the verge of replying to your third letter -- and of making sure your other two got posted -- when your most recent one arrived.

So Stan, try to understand that I do want you as a fan.


  1. That first college confidential post was on linked on my Special Comment post earlier you thief.

    P.S. God bless Boogie and his whitty quotes.

  2. Am I supposed to read your 1000 word essays full of misspellings and 500 line breaks??? I simply skim your opinions.

    You did link it, but I quoted it. Besides the second student letter is better.

  3. It is. It sounds like Cornell is the wrst college in America. I quite liked your post.